Obviously OP is too picky, but there are plenty of server-side and client-side options that fit the requirements. Eg Clojure / Clojurescript, Haskell, Scala, Typescript
you sound like a fat person who is trying to get in shape but is extremely picky about which 'routine' he wants to follow. he has a reason to hate each one so, they're all not good enough for him. he's looking for the perfect routine, man. one that will guarantee success.
oh and also that annoying bit about eating right, well that sounds like a pain, so let's not do that, either.
all this, while sitting on the couch, daydreaming of 6-pack abs. in reality, all you have to do is walk around the damn block and you're 1/4 mile ahead of where you were before.