I’m one of those parents that “don’t punish”. I do tell my child when he makes me angry or sad, and of course it is clear to him that I might not want to, say, play or read to him at that point. I still wouldn’t call that punishing him, but rather a consequence of his actions.

> I still wouldn’t call that punishing him, but rather a consequence of his actions.

Weird aside, but sometimes when my wife and I have a conflict, I may go for a walk to clear my head, and I’m typically not interested in being intimate for a while after the conflict. She refers to this as "punishment", which seems like an odd way to describe me needing some space for a bit.

Some people interpret the leaving and the coming back as distinct events. When you leave, they think you're giving up, either on resolving the situation or repairing the relationship at all. Until you come back, there's an anxiety-inducing chance that you won't.

Wouldn't you class withdrawal of affection as punishment?

In psych terms it's a negative punishment (something was removed to seeks to reduce a behaviour). Your motivation might be different but the felt action is identical.

The motivation makes a difference. If my wife think I'm intentionally punishing her she'll react differently than if she thinks that I don't want to be affectionate because I feel hurt or angry.

That's what it looks like from her point of view. One man's cooldown is another woman's shutting-out.

If I am sad because you did something, I would not say I am punishing you. Punishment, according to the dictionary, is inflicting a penalty as retribution.