I don't understand the (American?) concept of "gratitude".
I think it's because it necessarily implies someone to be grateful to, most likely a divine being or an abstraction of it (such as the spirit of universe). I see the world as a chaotic place where most things are done through pure will of humans, and random events.
If somebody does something good to me, I'm grateful to them. My current employer recruited me while I was in college, I was severely depressed and anxious, had frequent panic attacks and a few blowups at work, and they tolerated it because they believed I was "promising". I'm also aware that my skills (demonstrated to professors at college) were also a factor in their decision, but I'm still grateful to them, as people, for choosing to give me a chance.
What I'm not grateful is the ordinary bullshit of being alive and healthy, being in a trade (programming) that earns quite a bit of money, having family, et cetera. Those things are pure chance, and yes, I got dealt good cards in some ways, but also bad cards in other ways. I don't see logic behind being "grateful" for the good things, while ignoring the bad.
If it's just a psychological trick to make us "happier" with our lives, then I despise it even more. There is a purpose in being unhappy - fixing things is hard when you're "grateful" for what you have and don't want to risk changing anything. And if your life is truly good, you don't need a ritual of pointing out good things to feel good about it.
Maybe I'm just overanalyzing it. But the concept of "gratitude" just feels fake to me.
I think you may be confusing gratitude with "toxic positivity". Gratitude is not a weapon wielded to prevent growth, that's more like "toxic positivity", where you must be positive no matter what. Gratitude is about drawing attention to the goodness in life, whether someone is bestows that thing upon you depends on your definition of it.
There are lots of definitions of gratitude, some focus on the social aspect, others the moral aspect[1], but I have found keeping a gratitude journal to be helpful in managing my depression and anxiety, by teaching me that "happiness" and "contentment" are just as valid as "unhappiness" or "sadness".
I understand the feeling of "phoniness" you might feel practicing it, but it gets easier over time. Sometimes I'm grateful my partner made me a coffee. Or I'm grateful that a friend called to check in with me, when I was unwell. Sometimes I'm grateful my pull request was merged. It's about little things.
It's worth mentioning: being healthy, having a family, a high-paying, stable job is not "ordinary bullshit" for many people. I say this not to guilt you into being grateful, but to remind you that you seem to have a lot of goodness in your life.
> I say this not to guilt you into being grateful, but to remind you that you seem to have a lot of goodness in your life.
Sure, I agree. There is a lot of good in my life.
What seems to cause dissonance is how my life still feels like shit, despite all those good things. The answer I most often hear to this is "well, if you practiced more gratitude, you'd appreciate those things" - which feels like the old religious cliche of "if God doesn't help you, you aren't praying/believing enough".
But to ask a concrete question - how would you describe the "activity" of practicing gratitude to, say, a child who's never heard of such a phrase? Is it just the act of pointing out "good" things about your life to yourself, or is there anything more to it?
I completely understand how you feel regarding the dissonance, because I can also feel the same way. Sometimes depression makes it easy to "rationally know" you have a lot to be grateful for, but it can somehow be twisted against oneself and turned into shame. Practicing gratitude can help you to learn how to allow yourself to feel happiness and contentment.
In an ELI5-type answer: "Practicing" gratitude involves actively noticing your feelings of appreciation for something good in your life. That something good may be a meal, a relationship, overcoming an challenge, etc.
For an adult beginner a gratitude journal is a great place to start! You can purchase one, like the "6-Minute Journal" or you can grab a blank piece of paper and pick a prompt from this pdf[1]. Pick a prompt: "Something beautiful I saw today..." "A fun experience I had..." "Someone I admire.." and spend a few minutes writing about that. Write in your journal 2-3 times a week. That's it!
A way to explain the activity to a child could be: "Mention three good things that happened today". There are no rules, you can mention anything that you consider to be good. Do it every day.
I didn't come up with this and obviously cannot say if it would work for you. Look up "Three Good Things" if you're curious about the theory.
I am daily grateful because I survived an upbringing that still gives me nightmares. Lost lots of friends and family while young. Lost my thyroid to cancer so I’ll die without meds. Being alive and somewhat healthy doesn’t feel like ordinary bullshit to me. Not at all.
To be clear, while gratitude does improve happiness, the thing that I find compelling is that it improves actual tangible outcomes (e.g. goal achievement, relationship health, doctor visits, etc.)
Also, expressing gratitude for the things you have does not preclude recognizing areas that could be improved. I am grateful that I am able to walk around and use my body for exercise and sport without trouble; this doesn't mean that I think my creaky knees and back ache are good things, it just means that I appreciate those good things that I do have.
I think it's because it necessarily implies someone to be grateful to, most likely a divine being or an abstraction of it (such as the spirit of universe). I see the world as a chaotic place where most things are done through pure will of humans, and random events.
If somebody does something good to me, I'm grateful to them. My current employer recruited me while I was in college, I was severely depressed and anxious, had frequent panic attacks and a few blowups at work, and they tolerated it because they believed I was "promising". I'm also aware that my skills (demonstrated to professors at college) were also a factor in their decision, but I'm still grateful to them, as people, for choosing to give me a chance.
What I'm not grateful is the ordinary bullshit of being alive and healthy, being in a trade (programming) that earns quite a bit of money, having family, et cetera. Those things are pure chance, and yes, I got dealt good cards in some ways, but also bad cards in other ways. I don't see logic behind being "grateful" for the good things, while ignoring the bad.
If it's just a psychological trick to make us "happier" with our lives, then I despise it even more. There is a purpose in being unhappy - fixing things is hard when you're "grateful" for what you have and don't want to risk changing anything. And if your life is truly good, you don't need a ritual of pointing out good things to feel good about it.
Maybe I'm just overanalyzing it. But the concept of "gratitude" just feels fake to me.