I can assure you that any existing software would fail to meet the requirements (hint - primary requirement being related to/friends with/lobbying the decision maker).
You're right if nepotism is a requirement. But if we could suspend our cynicism long enough to consider available enterprise products (which is a tremendous strain admittedly for anyone who agrees with Paul Graham about "enterprise" computing) then as a comment below points out, CISCO sells Monitoring as a service and there are other vendors that provide this.
